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Where Am I?

I need to change something, but I don't know what it is. My overarching motif lately has been change, perhaps out of a subconscious desire to enact it in my life. I recently have gone through a series of major changes, improvements, and accomplishments. I became a homeowner this month. About six months ago I started a new job that's closer to what I want to do than anything I've done in years. For the first time in my life, I'm actually on top of my finances. I recently decided to stop being a god-damned coward, and started asking women out when I wanted. I'm batting .000 at that so far, but at least I'm trying. I recently vented about fratties and jackasses taking over the world, and received praise from a number of directions. So I know I must be doing something right.

Yet none of it seems to be enough. It doesn't matter what steps I take to make myself happier, or at least content, I still feel the same. I'm excited by everything around me, and I love keeping things exciting, but it all feels fleeting. Like I imagine it must be like to be a chemical dependent, except that nothing I do really does anything for me. I don't feel especially compelled to keep doing anything. Don't get me wrong- I don't feel sad. I just feel like there's something I should be doing. Like there's something I'm missing.

I can't really explain it. It feels to me like everyone else is content with their goals and wants, or at least content enough in their pursuit. But something inside me furiously says that these people are idiots, that their goals are lame and unexciting. Or maybe it's just me feeling jealous of their content routines. Jealous of their contentment. Jealous of their complacency. I talk to my friends, and find their stories boring, and find my responses even more boring. I feel exhausted, but I'm not exerting myself.

I feel restless. I feel like dropping everything and leaving, to nowhere in particular. I feel like saying all the things I've always wanted to say to all the women to whom I've been afraid to say it. I feel like being totally honest in every situation, and laying myself bare to people's judgement, if for no other reason but to feel the sting of their disapproval, or the warmth of their acceptance. Maybe I need Jesus, maybe I need elocution lessons, maybe I need to be more articulate, and say the brilliant things I occasionally think. I need something.

In any case, I'm going for a run tonight, rain or shine.

2:47 PM, Apr 24, 2007

3 comments

Dr. Who thinks:

Diagnosis: quarter-life crisis

Remedy: sex

3:01 PM, Apr 24, 2007

ck interjected:

I don't have any mind-blowing life-altering advice, just wanted to say that at some level I know exactly what you're talking about.

3:37 PM, Apr 24, 2007

Brian brooked no delay in saying:

Asking women out is a good step. As lame as it might sound, having a partner in life is surprisingly and extraordinarily satisfying, I find. The only thing I can say is to put yourself in situations where you think you'd meet good people. Not that people you meet at bars are bad people, but I think there are other places you can go where you're more likely to meet like-minded people..

1:40 PM, Apr 26, 2007

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